I vs You

I really hate it when my boyfriend says 'You know I love you'. I shouldn't right?

It is his favourite thing to say when I am upset or whining. For instance, when I say 'You no longer text like you used to.' The reply will be 'C'mon you know I love you.' How does that solve the problem?! Actually, how do I know he loves me if he doesn't tell me? Why should he assume that I know? Is that an excuse for not texting me? He somehow believes that because he told me last week, then it should stand till this week. In a girl's world, it doesn't work like that. Out of sound is out of existence. People can stop loving each other in minutes let alone weeks.

When I really thought about it, I realised it is not just him. I do not like that word 'you'. It is a relationship breaker. Not just with boyfriends but also friends, colleagues, clients especially.

Take this scenario. A client comes in late for an appointment. She apologises a million times and explains that the child-minder was late. You get started and then towards the end realise that you cannot complete the look because you've run out of time. You then turn to the client and say 'Your make-up cannot be completed because you came late.' She again apologises and you say there is nothing you can do and she leaves feeling very bad that she came late and spoiled everything.
How does that make you feel as an artist? She left you with a heavy heart and more unhappy than when she met you (not to mention the half make-up), and will probably not be dialling your cell phone any time soon.

Now imagine the same client and the same situation. Towards the end when you realise you have no more time, you turn to her and you say 'I cannot complete this look on you because I have run out of time.' By saying that, you have said exactly the same thing, but you did not blame her for it. She will again apologise and you will say there is nothing more I can do and she will leave, but not feeling as terribly as if you blamed her for it and she will almost certainly return to you.
Yes it is her fault, but she has acknowledged and apologised already, there is no need for extra blame. This sort of language puts people off.

Another example, you came back only to find your favourite lime crime pigment had been used and you know exactly who it is. You walk up to your friend and you say 'You are annoying, you used my pigment without my permission.' This is a direct accusation and provocation. Just because she used your pigment doesn't mean she is an annoying person. She then says 'What do you mean I am annoying, you are also annoying' and then a fight ensues.

Imagine you walked up to that friend and you said 'I am annoyed'. By saying that you have empowered yourself. Your friend will ask you 'Why are you annoyed?' and you will say 'You used my pigment and I don't like it' and the next thing will almost certainly be 'I'm sorry'.

Another example, client/bestie/boyfriend walks up to you when you are not in such a good mood and you say 'What do you want?' She/he says 'nothing' and walks away thinking what a cow you are.

Imagine you said to the same person 'What can I do for you?'. By saying that you have made yourself approachable and put yourself at their service. The person says 'Oh I'd like you to please conceal this red spot I have a very important place to go.' You take 2 minutes of precious time and conceal the spot and they're off. This person left you thinking the world of you. If they happen to be some place where people are talking about make-up and gurus and bloggers and what-nots, will they tell others about you? You bet they would.

When you use 'you' more than you use 'I', you come across as an attacker and you empower the other person. You want to always be empowered while being the servant. You must serve in order to lead. There are situations however where I is not what you want to be using, like those I-am-better-than-you scenarios. Avoid such because it makes people feel inferior. You don't want anyone feeling inferior around you. Use language that puts you at other people's service, and does not attack people. You will gain a place in their hearts. Your reputation is the single most important thing people carry about you. Build it well.

Back to my boyfriend, when I really think about it, I attacked him first. I should have said 'I haven't received your text message' or 'Where is my text for today?' or anything nicer than 'You never text like you used to.'
When I said 'You never text like you used to', if he had said to me 'I want you to know I love you', wow! I would have shut up for a moment, then said 'I love you too' and gone to sleep.

Alas, after he said 'You know I love you', I said "I don't know that you love me because you haven't told me';
'Yes I've told you, I told you last week';
'Last week is not today'
'Why are you so difficult?';
'What now I'm difficult, and you aren't?' and then the fight continued...

Life

So its the month of May (my birth month)...again. I feel an extreme desire to express all of the above because I only just realised that I've almost completed 23 years on earth. Why am I saying this?

I spent some of Saturday (the 25th of April) evening chatting with a very good friend of mine Halima. We teased and teased each other about when we were gonna get married and who was gonna be a bridesmaid first. She went on about how at 23 (almost) I was getting too old for marriage (in my culture, most girls get married between 18-24). Halima and I have been friends since 1996. We went to the same high school and were room mates in the final year. Since I moved to UK in 2002, we haven't seen much of each other but thank goodness for facebook and co- we keep in touch. She is a very nice girl, born the same year as I but in October.
I teased back, saying she is almost 23 too so its not like she is any better and besides I'm in medical school, which takes ages to complete. I pondered a lot during our chat. Where exactly is my life heading? I know I love make-up and beauty and a lot more but I find myself reading scientific articles day in day out. Her facebook status at the time said ' Sitting and loving every moment of life". I certainly was not (and still not) enjoying every moment of life. My 30-page dissertation is due on Thursday the 5th of May and I'm stressed because the file keeps corrupting!
Halima needed to go so we bid our farewells and she left. I thought what a sweet girl- she hasnt changes one bit since I knew her.

Sunday the 27th of April at 7pm, I logged on to facebook and another ex-classmate of ours came online to chat with me. I almost ignored him because I wanted to get on with my work, but I thought I'll just say hi and let him know that I'm busy. He said 'I've heard some bad news. I'm so sorry". At that point I swear my heart rate went up to 1000 beats/ minute. What on earth could this be?
'Halima was involved in a RTA along with her mum and two siblings. They are no more with us.'
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.
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This guy had to be kidding right? I chatted with her the day before, she was alive and well. At that point in time, I was completely covered in goosebumps, my eyes were heavy with tears I could not see the laptop screen. I had to ring another friend of mine (we were a kind of trio) to confirm. As soon as she picked up the phone, the sound of her voice gave it all away- it was true. Our friend is gone forever.

I keep going on to her facebook and hoping she will come and update her status. I want to dial her number and hear her voice but it hasn't happened...

There are so many posts on her wall now about how we all love her and how precious she is but she will never see them. I wish that when I thought she was such a sweet girl, I actually said it. It was my last chance.

So while I'm deeply grieving and trying to get my work done on time, I thought I should take a moment to really express all those emotions above. It makes me feel better that she was 'loving every moment of life' before she passed on.
If I should pass on today, what will I be remembered for? Good things I hope but everything left unsaid will forever remain unsaid.

I just want everyone who has touched my life in every way, shape or form to know that I love and appreciate you. I am forever full of gratitude for everything that I have seen or heard from anyone- whether you even know me or not, and the moments that I've shared with the people around me.

You're all my blessings.

Stay beautiful...

Posh Girls are ANTI-ABUSE!

Abuse

• to use wrongly or improperly; misuse
• to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way
• to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about
• to commit sexual assault upon
• a corrupt or improper practice or custom

As part of the spring cleaning process, my laptop did not get left out. Many photos, documents, random files etc needed trashing. I happened to stumble upon that famous TMZ picture of a battered Rihanna and remembered my extreme annoyance at hearing she had returned to the ****!
Now clearly from my point of view, at this moment, Rihanna is not what I would consider a Royal Poshness, far from it. Oprah gave her very good advice when she said 'If a man hits you once, he will hit you again!'



So what is it that makes women return to the person who almost smashed them to death? Believe it or not, it's the same thing that makes you stay with the one who treats you like a goddess- love. Sometimes I hate love, but you gotta love love. It makes us do very unthinkable things.
I remember seeing a case of domestic violence and severe abuse as a medic and even when this poor girl couldn't speak- she still managed to muffle something like 'I lurf im'. Yes I wanted to beat her some more deep down but being the professional that I am, I tried to put myself in her shoes. These things start very slowly- you upset a guy, he points a finger at you, next thing he pushes you out of the way, next thing he slaps you and then next thing you are dead!

You are probably wondering how some people can allow things to get so far cos if it were you, you'd leave before he even realised it , right? Think again, the problem is that it doesn't happen just like that. I've heard all kinds of excuses because intertwined in all this is emotion. In between those fits of violence, you bought a house together, you have 3 kids and you do not want to go through divorce, he is the best partner ever except when he is angry, the list goes on.


Ladies...STOP!!!

Stop making excuses for any low life who thinks that it is occasionally OK to hit you. It is not OK to hit any woman just because you are stronger and you can (OK she annoyed you too). Everybody annoys everybody- that's life. So everything has to always be good and when it is bad the woman should get beat up?! NO, absolutely not!

The point of this post is to actually alert you to the diverse forms of abuse, which most people do not even realise (not to rant on about hitting women, you can tell that issue is dear to my heart!).

Obviously the first is physical abuse, which I have gone on about. This does not only apply to men you know. It applies to other girls, parents, other relatives, you name it. Abuse is abuse.

Verbal abuse is one which really fascinates me. People think it is OK for someone to lash out when they are angry and call them names. Yeah he was angry and he called me a f*****g slut! No way. Next he will say something like 'you f****** ***** ****** ********* b****! (Yes it's that bad it all had to be censored for the blog).
You need to politely tell them to stop (if you do it, you need to politely tell yourself to stop), else one day in front of some very important people you will be amazed what will come. The other thing is the high voice and the aggression that comes with it. That is just oppression and bullying. Posh girls do not stand for that.

Psychological abuse is the worst form of abuse ever. It inflicts internal wounds. Blackmail is a perfect example of this. 'If you leave me, no one will go out with you cos you are too fat and ugly'. Other things like coercion - 'Better do this cos if you tell no one will believe you'; Humiliation - 'Your GPA is 1' (in public); Intimidation - 'You have to pay the bills because I said so' (says the giant boyfriend); Alienation- 'You can't watch TV with me, you don't belong here' (clearly you do it's your house) etc all belong here.

Spiritual abuse: did I say psychological abuse was the worst? My apologies.
This is the classic 'God said you should turn the other cheek, do not retaliate, vengeance is for the Lord, God said to love everybody including your enemies' Are you getting the vibe here? or 'You know its the right thing to do, how can you live with yourself after leaving him, what will you say to the kids when they grow up and ask you?'

This is all crap crap crap. Crap being using people's spiritual beliefs and virtues to abuse them.

Oh Lord it gets worse. We are unto financial abuse. Has anyone seen that episode of desperate housewives where Orson asks Bree to sell her company? If you have not, go find destiny's child's bills bills bills. Of all the abuses I believe this is the commonest and most difficult to recognise, as well as being notoriously difficult to get out of. There's something about not being able to tell people your man lives off you (by living, I mean buying non-essential things other than food, clothing). When people pile on bills because you pay, that is abuse and this is usually hand in hand with other forms of abuse (especially substances). 'You have to pay the bills or else bla bla bla'...


Lastly is substance abuse. This is a strange kind of abuse because it indirectly involves you. He comes from the bar very drunk, punches you in the face, smashes the house and then the next morning he says he is sorry he was drunk! No we are not having that. It's unnecessary. Any other substance is just as bad- coke, weed, you name it. If it can get the brother into trouble, it can get YOU into trouble as well.

I have tried to use some very obvious examples for all of these just so you can understand how easily abuse can start. I know there are people out there who help their partners go through alcohol abuse and the odd person who stops being abusive after 40 years but I'm targeting you, my royal poshnesses, while its early and you still can, flee from all this drama. You don't need it. Abuse is not a form of love in any way shape or form. Love can be challenging but it doesn't have to hurt...